Guess who got into college!!
You know you’re a robot;
You know you can’t feel,
But you try and try;
You want to know
How it is to feel.
Hi there. Fancy seeing you here. No but honestly, thanks for sticking around, I missed you guys a lot. It’s so hard keeping everything you think in your head.
So I’m back (woohoo)! And I don’t plan on up and leaving like that for a long time because, well, that sucked. However, don’t let that misguide you to think that I am back and better than ever. If anything, I’m probably a thousand times worse because the only thing I’ve written in the past four months(?) are college essays and I can only hope that they’re as good as I need them to be.
Anyway, what have you guys been up to? I hope y’all have been good! I was thinking I’d update you on what’s been going on in my life so you could feel like you’d been along for the ride all along.
- -I wrote my SAT! It was pretty good; I got a 1500(!!) My essay was kind of trash but it’s fine because none of the colleges I’m applying to require it.
- -I applied to three colleges! It was honestly so stressful, my school was taking ages to upload the required documents, they literally did it the day of after me constantly pestering the principal. I think I can get in? I don’t know but I would absolutely die if I did.
- -I did really good in my midterms! I think my average was 90% which was such a relief because I didn’t think I’d studied enough, what with my SAT being the day after those ended. Thank the lord I did good in both.
- -I’m currently at my paternal grandparents’ place in Bombay for Diwali (happy Diwali to whoever is celebrating) and I’ve been reading so much? I’ve finished I think three or four books since Saturday which is the most I’ve read in
- If you want to know which, friend me on
- . (I’m not above shameless self promotion)!
- -One of the books I read had an Indian protagonist and it made me so happy. I’ve never read a mainstream YA book with an Indian protagonist and it was such an experience being able to relate to a lot of the things she was feeling. Honestly, representation in media is so important.
- -I’ve been so busy with college stuff that I didn’t even realize I was neglecting so much of the other shit in my life.
- -There’s only a couple months left of school and it’s bittersweet. I don’t want to say goodbye to everyone but I also really want to go to college.
- -Speaking of, that means I’m moving in a couple months. I’m gonna leave everything and everyone I know to move back to the US which really sucks but I know it’s going to be great. Logically I know that I’ll drift away from everyone but I really don’t want to. I want to keep my loser friends.
- -My dad already moved there, back in September. It’s been hard but we VC him constantly. The other day my sister and I were dancing and my dad could hear the music through the phone. All of a sudden he started dancing too and it was so so much fun. The three of us dancing together like there wasn’t an entire ocean between us.
- -I have my informal graduation on the 17th! I’m so so so excited, it’s going to be the most fun ever. I’m going to go buy a dress today so wish me luck!
- -But there’s been so much drama surrounding it and I would lay it out for you but that would take me weeks so I shall not. However, I will tell you that it was stupid and dumb and illogical.
- -We have our annual day coming up and we have no clue what we’re going to do which is a little irritating because it’s our last year! There’s been drama for this also, most of which is intermingled with the grad drama and it’s all mainly because of one unnamed person who I thought was a good person but is actually kind of a dick (he wanted a group of us to apologize because we’d joined school before the New Kids who joined only in 11th) (so unreasonable).
- -I’ve gotten really into Jeremy Zucker. Guys, he’s this amazing, awesome, I-die musician. So much talent, such good music. Go listen to him. Oo, also listen to Bleachers. Just fabulous.
- -I’ve been watching the Office and honestly, it’s the greatest, now I get the hype. It’s so funny and cute and amazing. Borderline offensive humour but it’s okay. Jim and Pam are my goals dude. Also, Doug Judy from Brooklyn 99 is in it and I completely lost it when I found out. Go watch it!
- -I really want to get into documentaries because I find them so fascinating but I have no clue which to watch! If you guys have suggestions, please tell me!
- -I’ve been watching a lot of dance videos even though I can’t dance and they’re so fascinating! I mean how do they move their bodies like that! I think my absolute favourite dancer is Sean Lew, he’s my age but so! Much! Talent! I think I have a crush on the guy, dude. And his duets with Kaycee Rice are so fabulous! They’re so cute. love it when I stumble on a duet between these two; they were so good on World of Dance, they should have won (I say stumble on like I don’t search obsessively).
Oh wow. Okay, this ended up being way longer than I had intended. Kudos if you reached the end! Anyway I love y’all and I hope you have a good day!
PS: I can’t promise that I’ll post too soon or regularly because I really actually haven’t written a proper poem or story that I’ve liked in a long time. But I’ll give it my best because I’ve had these ideas coming to me in the past few weeks! Wish me luck, see you soon!
your face on
the screen freezes
and your disembodied
voice gets louder
a tear slips down my cheek
and i hate that you scold me
like i’m still a stupid kid
(still a kid, but i’m not stupid)
i cry and you tilt your camera
away from your face. i look,
confused, when you move it
back and you wipe your eyes
you were crying. i haven’t seen
you cry in years, and my heart stings
because now i’m not only hurting
for me but also for you
you’re all alone across the ocean,
stuck in your apartment, with no
close family and too much time on
your hands and nothing’s going your way
you’re still wiping your eyes
with your handkerchief and
i miss you so much right now, so
i concede (sometimes i am stupid)
fighting with your dad sucks
but it sucks a thousand times
more when you can’t hug
as a reconciliation
I need to tell you something.
I didn’t get over you after I told you I liked you back in February (which was, by the way, a dick move because you’d just broken up with your girlfriend, I’m super sorry about that). I thought I had, I really did and it sucked when I realized I hadn’t but oh, well.
I do really like you. You’re an amazing friend, you’re nice to stare at, you’re sort of an asshole but it’s okay and you’re super interesting to talk to. I always want to be talking to you, you have no idea. It’s a little gross to be honest, but I think I’m a little obsessed with you and I came to the conclusion today that I would love to get over you.
I overthink every word and every touch and I read too much into everything and it’s a pain in the ass. Honestly, I would love to have a normal conversation with you in which I don’t contemplate the different connotations of ‘that’s so cute’ and I cannot wait for the day I can truly and honestly tell people that I would not like to date you.
Maybe I started liking you because I missed not having a crush or maybe because you were my first proper guy friend who said nice things to me or maybe just because you were a good person who found me interesting. I don’t know but it’s been a heck of a long time that I’ve liked you and I am ready to say goodbye to that sappiness.
I can’t wait to just be friends with you.
in my head,
in my head,
me, not her,
on my jaw.
in my head,
my hand and
telling me that
you love me.
in my head,
you can’t look
away from me
and your heart
in my head
my head’s a
why is it that:
touching you gives me the thrills (you holding my hand to show me how cold yours are)(you hugging me to wipe your sweat on me)(our fingers intertwined)
talking to you stresses me the hell out but i really want to all the time
we’ve been friends for three years and i still have so much to say to you (thank you for saying you’re always there for me to talk to)
your eyes seem super pretty to me and it’s gross but i could stare at you for days
i search for you when you’re not there and when you are there, it’s hard to look away
nothing is enough when it comes to you and i want more and more
you’re kind of a dick but it’s okay, i’m kind of an asshole (your imitation of me is super off by the way)
cliches seem okay to me when it’s you they’re about
getting over you never seems to work; i keep coming back to you
you mean a lot to me and i guess you’re cool; i’m happy you’re one of my closest friends
i haven’t stopped for a second and thought over what exactly you are to me (i think i’m scared)(what if you’re more than a friend to me again)(falling seems too easy when it comes to you)
The thing is: I really want to get into a good college. Like really, desperately, I-would-kill-for-it kind of want.
I want to go to the US of A. I want to have that College Experience they always talk about and I want to become a kick-ass editor. But I’m just an average Indian girl and the average Indian girl does not get into Yale or NYU or Emerson. The average Indian girl goes to Christ or FLAMES (not that they are bad colleges, they’re actually really good but). The topper who has never seen a paper marked below a 95 maybe gets to go abroad but never one of the big ones.
I get good grades, I’ve participated in extracurricular activities, I’m a stage manager in our school’s production (!!!)*, I’ll probably maybe hopefully get into college. But when I scroll through college websites and read their expectations of the students they want enrolled, it sucks. I don’t reach those expectations; I am not enough.
And it makes me cry because as a sort-of-international student, I have to put in double the effort anyway because things that high schoolers get in the US for granted are things we need to wait for. My school didn’t have a counselor until late last year and counselor recommendations are necessary for applications. I have to pay extra for writing the SAT. The combinations of subjects we can choose for eleventh and twelfth is limited and so I don’t have three to four years of math or science which is ‘recommended’. My English is good but who knows if it’s good enough to compete with native speakers or even be at par with them (and I want to take English so). I have these old family friends from the US and whenever I speak to them, I try to sound smart and “cool” because I don’t want them thinking that just because I live in India, I don’t know anything or can’t speak proper English.
A month ago, I was breaking down a couple times daily for at least a week. Today, in fact, I cried twice. One moment I was scrolling through Yale’s website and the next I was sobbing in my mom’s arms. I feel stressed. I want to get into a good college.
I have so much to do! It’s like all the free time I had last year is just laughing at my face like, haha this is what you get for wasting so much time, loser.
Are any of you guys going through the same thing? Let’s (not) cry together.
Update: I cried again the day after. Seriously it’s like I can’t stop.
*I’m one of four stage managers and I know the real practice hasn’t started yet but all the work is going to the head stage manager and I feel completely useless. I love her, I do but I really want to do something! I ask her if I can help but she never needs any! Life is so hard, she says sarcastically.