Posted in Letters

i would like to not like you

Hi.

I need to tell you something.

I didn’t get over you after I told you I liked you back in February (which was, by the way, a dick move becuase you’d just broken up with your girlfriend, I’m super sorry about that). I thought I had, I really did and it sucked when I realised I hadn’t but oh, well.

I do really like you. You’re an amazing friend, you’re nice to stare at, you’re sort of an asshole but it’s okay and you’re super interesting to talk to. I always want to be talking to you, you have no idea. It’s a little gross to be honest, but I think I’m a little obsessed with you and I came to the conclusion today that I would love to get over you.

I overthink every word and every touch and I read too much into everything and it’s a pain in the ass. Honestly, I would love to have a normal conversation with you in which I don’t contemplate the different connotations of ‘that’s so cute’ and I cannot wait for the day I can truly and honestly tell people that I would not like to date you.

Maybe I started liking you because I missed not having a crush or maybe because you were my first proper guy friend who said nice things to me or maybe just because you were a good person who found me interesting. I don’t know but it’s been a heck of a long time that I’ve liked you and I am ready to say goodbye to that sappiness.

I can’t wait to just be friends with you.

Love,

Ebe xx

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Letting go was easier than I thought it would be.

Posted in Poetry

idle minds

in my head,

we’re closer

than we

actually are

in reality.

 

in my head,

you’re kissing

me, not her,

your thumbs

on my jaw.

 

in my head,

you’re holding

my hand and

telling me that

you love me.

 

in my head,

you can’t look

away from me

and your heart

beats faster.

 

in my head

we aren’t

just friends;

my head’s a

dangerous place.

 

Does it make you a bad person if you know the both of you are drifting apart but you’re not doing anything about it?

Posted in Poetry, Rant

falling seems too easy

why is it that:

touching you gives me the thrills (you holding my hand to show me how cold yours are)(you hugging me to wipe your sweat on me)(our fingers intertwined)

talking to you stresses me the hell out but i really want to all the time

we’ve been friends for three years and i still have so much to say to you (thank you for saying you’re always there for me to talk to)

your eyes seem super pretty to me and it’s gross but i could stare at you for days

i search for you when you’re not there and when you are there, it’s hard to look away

nothing is enough when it comes to you and i want more and more

you’re kind of a dick but it’s okay, i’m kind of an asshole (your imitation of me is super off by the way)

cliches seem okay to me when it’s you they’re about

getting over you never seems to work; i keep coming back to you

you mean a lot to me and i guess you’re cool; i’m happy you’re one of my closest friends

i haven’t stopped for a second and thought over what exactly you are to me (i think i’m scared)(what if you’re more than a friend to me again)(falling seems too easy when it comes to you)

Posted in Rant

i keep crying

The thing is: I really want to get into a good college. Like really, desperately, I-would-kill-for-it kind of want.

I want to go to the US of A. I want to have that College Experience they always talk about and I want to become a kick-ass editor. But I’m just an average Indian girl and the average Indian girl does not get into Yale or NYU or Emerson. The average Indian girl goes to Christ or FLAMES (not that they are bad colleges, they’re actually really good but). The topper who has never seen a paper marked below a 95 maybe gets to go abroad but never one of the big ones.

I get good grades, I’ve participated in extracurricular activities, I’m a stage manager in our school’s production (!!!)*, I’ll probably maybe hopefully get into college. But when I scroll through college websites and read their expectations of the students they want enrolled, it sucks. I don’t reach those expectations; I am not enough.

And it makes me cry because as a sort-of-international student, I have to put in double the effort anyway because things that high schoolers get in the US for granted are things we need to wait for. My school didn’t have a counselor until late last year and counselor recommendations are necessary for applications. I have to pay extra for writing the SAT. The combinations of subjects we can choose for eleventh and twelfth is limited and so I don’t have three to four years of math or science which is ‘recommended’. My English is good but who knows if it’s good enough to compete with native speakers or even be at par with them (and I want to take English so). I have these old family friends from the US and whenever I speak to them, I try to sound smart and “cool” because I don’t want them thinking that just because I live in India, I don’t know anything or can’t speak proper English.

A month ago, I was breaking down a couple times daily for at least a week. Today, in fact, I cried twice. One moment I was scrolling through Yale’s website and the next I was sobbing in my mom’s arms. I feel stressed. I want to get into a good college.

I have so much to do! It’s like all the free time I had last year is just laughing at my face like, haha this is what you get for wasting so much time, loser.

Are any of you guys going through the same thing? Let’s (not) cry together.

Update: I cried again the day after. Seriously it’s like I can’t stop.

*I’m one of four stage managers and I know the real practice hasn’t started yet but all the work is going to the head stage manager and I feel completely useless. I love her, I do but I really want to do something! I ask her if I can help but she never needs any! Life is so hard, she says sarcastically.

Posted in Poetry

you deserve more than me

I listen to

Your voicemails

Three months after

You sent them.
My heart breaks

A little as your

Voice hardens and

Sounds like indifference.
I’m so sorry that

I ran away and

Broke your heart; ruined

the happy-ever-afters.
I run away,

I shut down,

I hurt people,

I don’t mean to.
You loving me

Was something

I didn’t understand

And still don’t.
You deserve better

Than a girl who

Can’t give you the

Future you deserve.
Someone will

Love you, but

That someone,

It isn’t me.
Your last

Voicemail

Ends and

I save it.
I deserve some

Heartbreak for

What I did to you,

I hope you can forgive me.

Posted in Poetry

father

My father stands

Tall at 5 feet 8,

An invisible cape

Flies behind him.

He pushes me and

Makes me do better

Even when I just

Want to cry and

Give up.

And sure, we argue

A decent amount

But I wouldn’t

Have it another way.

He’s stronger than

Anyone I know,

Both literally and

Figuratively; he

Lifts this family

On his shoulders.

He sings off-key and

Dances awfully but

It’s the smile on his

Face that makes it okay.

He’s a whiz at math,

He can control the crowd

And when I grow up,

I hope to be like him.

Thank you, papa

For everything

That you do, I wish

You the best of

Birthdays, I love you.

(Am I not going to acknowledge my two-months-long disappearance?)

(Why, yes, I am not.)

Posted in Fiction

key to their prison

After 1, 034 days in the same dingy room (he doesn’t know that she’s kept count) with new scars on their malnourished bodies every other day, hope is hard to come across but they make do with what they can.

They paint the dark room with iridescent recollections of their father’s smile and their mother’s hugs, their dog’s soft fur and their grandmother’s stories. She brightens the lovely nights (what they consider to be nights) with whispered recitations of the poems she learnt in school. They sing their songs under their breaths, dance the dances they hope to never forget. They pray to the gods they never prayed to at home, cross their fingers and knock on wood. The Man took them away from their home but he couldn’t take their home away from them.

One morning or afternoon or evening or night, The Man is in their room, his breath stinking, slurring curses at the both of them. Her brother looks at her from under the table and mutters a curse in their language. It sounds like school bells and jostling each other in the hallways. The Man looks straight at him, his face contorting into something ugly and spits, demanding to know what he said. Her brother looks him in the eye, not backing down and she watches him in dread, opening her mouth to tell him to leave it, they’d regret it. The Man lifts his hand and slaps him hard enough to knock out another tooth. She flinches, standing up, ready to protect him. She steps forward and The Man pushes her on the ground as if she’s weightless. He leers at her, his hand on her knee and her brother punches him. Again and again and again. But The Man is stronger. He kicks and punches and slaps and she tries to stop him, she does but The Man throws her against the wall and she sinks onto the floor, her head throbbing and her body aching.

Eventually The Man stops. He views the damage done: her bloody brother laying sprawled on the floor, she, huddled against the wall and she can see the satisfaction on his face. He’s vile. “I will kill you if you cross me, you hear me?”

They know his language, the language of invaders but their language is a warm hug, a flap of a bird’s wings, a balloon flying away, a key to their prison, a weapon in this war.

Her brother spits out the blood in his mouth, wincing while sitting up and smiles a gruesome smile, his eyes wild. She looks at him worriedly, concerned. He opens his mouth and softly sings the first few lines of their parents’s wedding song.

The Man stops in his tracks. He turns around. She can see the vein in his forehead bulging. He looks at her brother. She bites her lip hard enough to draw blood.

Posted in Rant

26 days, 6 hours, 18 minutes and 54 seconds

Hey, you guys!

I haven’t posted in ages, ha, my bad. And I wish I had a legitimate post for today to make up for my unplanned hiatus but I do not and instead, let’s sit and have a chat. What is up with you guys? What new things have you done in the past couple of weeks?

I haven’t been Productive with a capital P, but I like to think I got some stuff done. So here’s a sort of life update?

  • I’m trying to start writing longer pieces which has culminated in an effort to try writing a 10,000 word story which I’m only 2.9k words in. Disappointing but it’s the longest I’ve done! Improvement! What’s the longest piece y’all have written? Any tips? I would love some!
  • Downsides however are that I have not in the least been able to write anything other than this story. I am blanking, nil, zilch, zoop.
  • I started going jogging instead of to the gym. The thought of going to the gym alone unnerved me to a terrible extent and anyway, jogging takes less time and it’s more fun! I’m! Being! Fit! Look at me!
  • I started learning Spanish again! I’d dropped it in the middle, God knows why, but I’ve started again and I just love it so much. Yo gusto espagnol. Languages are my jam. Also I really want to start Italian? It’s such a pretty language.
  • Earlier my parents were scared to send me abroad for undergrad for I’d be too young and I wouldn’t be able to take care of myself, the normal parent things BUT now they’ve completely changed their minds because for the field I want to go into i.e., publishing, colleges outside India are much better in terms of quality and opportunities offered. So I’m writing the SATs! I dropped math after 10th so now I have to self-study portions from 11th grade which is hard, but I think I’m managing.
  • I think I found my dream college! Emerson College in Boston offers a BA in Writing, Literature and Publishing which is abso-freaking-lutely perfect! I am actually so excited (about my future?! What?!)! And when I lived in the US, I lived pretty close to Boston so my old friends will be around there! I’M JUST SO FLIPPING EXCITED, I WANT TO GET IN SO BADLY!
  • However, the thought of leaving sort of scares me? New place, new people, making new friends? I want to start over but it’s scary. The thought of not having pani puri and dosa at a walkable distance, my friends, my family. Not having Hindi radio stations, Bollywood films in theatres, my home.
  • Twelfth grade started on the 14th and I’m already stressed out but oh, well. I need to ace this year; it’s the only one that counts.
  • I did good in my finals! 93% in History, hell frikin YEAH!
  • I feel like I’m feeling a little overwhelmed? With college and last year of school and trying to make my life be A-okay, I just need holidays. Speaking of which, I’m going to my grandparents’! And then to camp! Which will be fun hopefully!
  • Guys, I am addicted to Dynasty. It’s the best show ever, I binged its 17 episodes in three days, I think it was. I absolutely love it, I recommend.

I love you guys and I can’t wait for my selective writer’s block to leave xx