The thing is: I really want to get into a good college. Like really, desperately, I-would-kill-for-it kind of want.
I want to go to the US of A. I want to have that College Experience they always talk about and I want to become a kick-ass editor. But I’m just an average Indian girl and the average Indian girl does not get into Yale or NYU or Emerson. The average Indian girl goes to Christ or FLAMES (not that they are bad colleges, they’re actually really good but). The topper who has never seen a paper marked below a 95 maybe gets to go abroad but never one of the big ones.
I get good grades, I’ve participated in extracurricular activities, I’m a stage manager in our school’s production (!!!)*, I’ll probably maybe hopefully get into college. But when I scroll through college websites and read their expectations of the students they want enrolled, it sucks. I don’t reach those expectations; I am not enough.
And it makes me cry because as a sort-of-international student, I have to put in double the effort anyway because things that high schoolers get in the US for granted are things we need to wait for. My school didn’t have a counselor until late last year and counselor recommendations are necessary for applications. I have to pay extra for writing the SAT. The combinations of subjects we can choose for eleventh and twelfth is limited and so I don’t have three to four years of math or science which is ‘recommended’. My English is good but who knows if it’s good enough to compete with native speakers or even be at par with them (and I want to take English so). I have these old family friends from the US and whenever I speak to them, I try to sound smart and “cool” because I don’t want them thinking that just because I live in India, I don’t know anything or can’t speak proper English.
A month ago, I was breaking down a couple times daily for at least a week. Today, in fact, I cried twice. One moment I was scrolling through Yale’s website and the next I was sobbing in my mom’s arms. I feel stressed. I want to get into a good college.
I have so much to do! It’s like all the free time I had last year is just laughing at my face like, haha this is what you get for wasting so much time, loser.
Are any of you guys going through the same thing? Let’s (not) cry together.
Update: I cried again the day after. Seriously it’s like I can’t stop.
*I’m one of four stage managers and I know the real practice hasn’t started yet but all the work is going to the head stage manager and I feel completely useless. I love her, I do but I really want to do something! I ask her if I can help but she never needs any! Life is so hard, she says sarcastically.